Anger can totally destroy a situation , you can end up losing control, losing friends and causing devastating consequences. So what's happening and how can I deal with it?
What is Anger?
Anger is your body's feedback to feeling attacked, deceived, frustrated or treated unfairly. It's not always a bad thing. It's good if it helps us know what is wrong or motivates us to change or it gives us energy. However it can be destructive and devastating.
What can we do?
A. Learn to Notice your body's signals when you are angry
1.Anger is your body's feedback.
B. If you are Angry -Retake Control
2.Realise that anger is internal.
No one makes you angry. You make yourself angry. As Aldos Huxley says 'experience is not what happens to us, it is how we deal with what happens to us'. Realise you are in control and it is your choice and take ownership.
3. Slow your breathing.
In the East they say that 'the mind is the kite and the breath is the string' so your breathing can control your mind and anger. Breathe out longer than you breathe in. This will slow down and put the brakes on your anger and allow you to take control.
4.Distract yourself.
Anger is temporary. Most humans can only focus on one thing at a time so count slowly from 10 to 1 (or 100 if you have time).
5.Remove yourself from the situation.
This will give you time to calm down and rethink.
6.Think of the end result.
Stephen Covey in his '7 habits of highly effective people' talks about habit no 2 - Start with the end in mind. Think how is your response helping the situation? You might be angry but your response and the end result might not be what you want. How will you feel the next day or the next week. On ce you take this perspective of time you can see the impact and change your behaviour.
7.Put it into perspective.
We are all going to die. Your time is limited so it makes no sense to waste precious time or energy on getting angry
8.Release the Anger in a good way
Anger builds up energy in the body so this needs to be released. Exercise is great for this, if you can go for a run or even just a walk, this will dissipate the energy.
9.Use the Energy.
Anger has generated energy so use this. Remember how you feel and then use this to draw or write, paint or make music. Be creative and use this energy to create masterpieces.
10.Morning pages.
Julia Cameron in her book the Artist's way talks about morning pages. Just get 3 empty pages and start writing and just keep writing and try to fill up the pages. Friends of mine have said this is better than therapy. This is a brilliant exercise as you can bring all the thoughts in your head out into the real world. Once tangible then can be seen, examined and dissected one by one , then they lose their power over you.
11.Think of a relaxing scene
Once you've dissipated the energy - think of a relaxing scene. A summer day in the park? A good evening chatting with friends. Again the body can only think of one thing at a time so if you think of something relaxing, you can't be angry at the same time (really visualise - see the scene, hear the sounds around you, smell any of the smells, think of the sensations on your skin, any tastes in your mouth - really go into this relaxing scene).
12.Talk to someone you trust about how you feel.
Talking will help you bring out the feelings.
C. Find source and solution
13.Work out why are you angry.
Most of time it is self defensive, or becausee of unresolved fears or your ego is threatened.
14.Work out what you are feeling
Work out what you are feeling and where in your body it is. What shape, colour vibration does it have for you. Then you could try and change this eg if it is fiery red you could try and change to a calm blue.
15.Think of possible alternative actions to resolve your anger.
Then think of results of each action. Then choose one.
16.Think of it as a learning experience.
What can I learn from this?
17.Express your frustration
Once you are calm then express your frustration in an assertive but non confrontational way . State your concerns and needs clearly and directly.
D. Prepare for next time.
18.Plan for next time.
History repeats itself so think when will this occur again and think what will be the triggers for you to get angry. Then think what alternative action could you do? Play through a few scenarios in your mind (really visualise them). You will then find the next time you see the triggers you will have an alternative path.
To finish let me leave you with a couple of quotes from the Buddha.
1) How the Buddha spoke to an angry man
One day Gauthama Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake." Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?" The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift." The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself." If you are right then there is no need to get angry And if you are wrong then you don't have any right to get angry.
To finish let me leave you with a couple of quotes from the Buddha.
1) How the Buddha spoke to an angry man
One day Gauthama Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake." Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?" The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift." The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself." If you are right then there is no need to get angry And if you are wrong then you don't have any right to get angry.
2) The Buddha's thoughts on anger
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned
What are you thoughts? Have you found any good techniques to deal with anger? Write in the comments!
Copyright 2018 Ash Fernando
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